Bisexual Wife

My wife recently reminded me that she's bisexual - she only likes to have sex twice a year.

Love 69

I'm not surprised so many chinese people love 69.

Sizzling beef with szechuan sauce is my favourite as well!

Car Loan

I went to the bank yesterday to get a car loan.

Now I've got just about enough money to fill up the tank!

1 in 1 million

My wife told me that I'm one in a million.

Having looked through the texts on her phone, she's probably right.

Downloading mp3's

If you illegally download mp3 music whilst on holiday in Jamaica, does that make you a 'Pirate of the Caribbean?'

Dyslexic Prostitute

Did you hear about the dyslexic prostitute?

She's really good at cooking socks!

Probably The Worst Way To Die

Swimming Pool

I got thrown out of my local swimming pool yesterday for urinating in the water. I think I could have got away with it if I hadn't been on the high-diving board at the time!

Expensive!

My wife's really beginning to annoy me. I took her out for dinner yesterday and she chose the most expensive thing on the menu - a Double Whopper with cheese AND bacon!

Mirror, Mirror

I like to make love to my wife with a mirror in the room.

I tend to put it under her nose, to make sure she's still breathing.

I Think I'm Going To Need A New Camera

Plastic Surgery

I'm feeling quite depressed. I lent £10,000 to a friend of mine so he could have plastic surgery, but now I can't get my money back because I don't know what he looks like!

Dinner Choice

So...

Flowers For My Girlfriend

I recently lost my job and so don't have much spare money, but yesterday

I still managed to get my girlfriend a lovely bunch of flowers.

It's amazing the things people leave tied to lamp posts these days!

Going To Work

I really enjoy going to work, but it's the 8 hours between arriving and going home

that sucks the life out of me.

Taxi Driver

My autistic brother was arrested on his first day at work as a taxi driver.

In hindsight, perhaps I shouldn't have told him to "knock 'em dead."

Office Dress

Yesterday my boss told me to be more positive and to "dress for the job you want, not for the job you have."

I must admit that I was surprised when he fired me this morning. Perhaps dressing as one of the Ghostbusters wasn't a good idea.

Getting Lucky

Once you get past a certain age, "getting lucky" means you can remember where you put down your keys!

My Wife

My wife is like a freezer for three reasons:

1) She makes a constant whining noise.

2) She can hold a lot of food inside her.

3) It can take hours of "defrosting" to make her wet.

Someone Close

Someone close to me died the other day.

Luckily there were other seats available on the bus so I could move.

Horrible One Night Stand

I had a one night stand go horribly wrong last year.

We're now married.

Miss World, Or Miss Universe?

Professional Parking

Hospital Visits

After a year of being very ill and having multiple trips to hospital with an undiagnosable illness, my Doctor finally gave me some good news.

I'm going to have a disease named after me!

Bottles And Jars

I just spent the last hour tightening all the bottle tops and jar lids in the house.

THAT will teach my wife to say she doesn't need me any more!

It's Just SO Dangerous These Days!

I can't believe how dangerous it's getting on the streets.

Just last night I stole an old lady's handbag and punched somebody at the bus stop!

Adopt A Baby

My wife and I tried to adopt a baby last week.

Unfortunately the supermarket security staff spotted us on the CCTV and called the police.

Instant 6 Pack!

Vegan vs Carnivore

Trouble

I tried drowning my troubles the other night, but forgot that my wife can swim.

Baby, It's Cold Outside....

Lost In Translation

Scream

People can be really strange....

If you scream in a library tell you to be shut up and be quiet, but if you do it on an aeroplane everyone joins in!

The Truth Hurts - Part 2

The Truth Hurts - Part 1

Two Interesting Facts About Me

Here are two interesting facts about me:

1) My penis is the same length as two Argos pens when they're held end to end.

2) I've been banned from all Argos stores in the country.

Pure Evil

I can be horrible sometimes....

Take this morning for example....

I emptied a box of cornflakes all over the kitchen floor and jumped up and down on them....

I'm a Cereal Killer.

Stubborn Men

George and the Dragon

An 18th-century vagabond in England, exhausted and famished, came to a roadside Inn with a sign reading: "George and the Dragon." He knocked. 
The Innkeeper's wife stuck her head out a window. "Could ye spare some victuals?" He asked. 
The woman glanced at his shabby, dirty clothes. "No!" she shouted. 
"Could I have a pint of ale?" 
"No!" she shouted. 
"Could I at least sleep in your stable?" 
"No!" she shouted again. 
The vagabond said, "Might I please...?" 
"What now?" the woman screeched, not allowing him to finish. 
"D'ye suppose," he asked, "that I might have a word with George?"

Wife Coming

Sex between my wife and I has become so infrequent that the only time I hear her say "I'm coming" is when I hold a door open for her!

Incorrect Answer

My maths teacher asked me today what comes after "69."

Apparently "mouthwash" isn't the answer.

Saving Money

I know the National Health Service is trying to save money, but my GP advised that rather than putting me on medication I should go for a 3 mile jog every day for a month.

The trouble is, I'm now 90 miles from home and completely lost!

Home Improvement Loan

I just had a very strange conversation with my wife about a home improvement loan.

She offered me £5000 to move out.

Bad Cook

You know, my wife's such a bad cook that we usually pray AFTER dinner.

Women's Manual

Beans

Q: Why should you only put 239 beans in the pot when making bean soup?

A: Because adding one more will make it "too farty!"

Fonts

Free Meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered the butcher's shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

He had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."

"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."

When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

Bus

My Grandfather died peacefully in his sleep on the bus yesterday.

Just a shame the same thing couldn't be said for his 46 passengers!

Car Crash

I heard on the radio yesterday that someone in the world crashes their car every 30 seconds.

Maybe it's time they took away his licence?

Overeating

Q: What do you call a Chinese person who eats too much?

A: Chin Tu Fat.

Take A Look....

Getting Old

You know you're getting old when your friends start having children on purpose.

Two Boys Chatting

Two boys argue over whose parents are better.

The first boy says, "My dad's better than your dad."

The other boy says, "Well, my mum is better than your mum."

The first boy pauses, "I guess you're right. My dad says the same thing."

I've spent the last three years looking for my ex-wife's killer.

Still can't find anyone to do it.

Take A Look....

Last week, my Mother-in-Law fell into a wishing well.

And there was me thinking those things didn't actually work!